Random Ramblings

Blah, blah, blah, blah. My head is full of words. To tell the truth I post in my head almost daily, but somehow it never ends up being written down. Why? I don't know. I may be somewhat of a procrastinator. But I don't think that's it. I am very tired. Burnt out. Emotionally, Physically, mentally and spiritually spent. I'm ok. In fact I'm better than ok. Some days are better than others.

I'm having a hard time articulating my thoughts.
A lot has happened over the past 5 months since we moved to Calgary. Can you believe it's been 5 months already? I can't. Sadly we are not completely settled. Everything that didn't fit upstairs got stuffed into the basement. and it's kind of turned into a catastrophe. I still have decorations that are waiting to be put up and family pictures waiting to be printed and given a place on our very bare living room wall. I can't say that I've completely warmed up to this house. But we are doing our very best to make this place our home.

I was in a very dark place when we moved up. It's been an interesting Journey. One with many lessons. I can't say I'm thankful or can even understand why we must face certain trials. But I can say is that the Lord knows all. And for that I am very grateful. I am also very grateful for his tender mercies that help me get through each day. The little glimpses of his love that he sends me to remind me that He's there and that He loves me and is mindful of me. Whether it be through other people, or in nature (or any other of His amazing creations), or in something I read or watch. It's been a great strength. I have to bring up the "other people" again, because there have been some who have been there for us un-judging and unconditionally that I have to thank them (you know who you are) Without them this transition would have been impossible.

So, the past 5 months, so much has happened and not so much all at the same time. I haven't taken very many pictures. One reason is I was taking so many that I felt that I was photographing life instead of living it. And I wanted to live a little better and fuller, especially with Cameron changing and growing every day. Last year My mom bought me a journal for my adventures of Motherhood. And anyone who's a Mother knows there are many. And I could go on for hours talking about Cameron and his discoveries and milestones. But there too I felt like I'd be writing instead of Living. So that's the Dilemma. Balance. Doesn't it always come down to balance? In this instance, when do I live and when do I document? For now I'm going to try "trial and error". If I say here, My goal is to try and post once a week with let's say 5 Pictures from the week, will you hold me accountable?

January 1st, My Brother, Brother in law, Sister, Father and I entered a weight loss competition together. It would be for 3 months (until April 1st) And 10% was the requirement, to be eligible but whoever lost the most weight in percentage would win. We would each put ten dollars in the pot and that would be the prize. I joined the gym where my sister attended. And we were a great support to each other! we went everyday. When one didn't want to go, the other would make her and vice versa. We did Cardio machines and strength training and tried new group classes. Some we liked others we didn't, the Favourite was Zumba. If you haven't tried it, DO! It's a great workout and a lot of fun! Fast forward time two months and we are all on track, all doing really well, I had already lost my 10% and was just a hair ahead from the rest, which made my competitive heart happy. I sent Michael to the basement to find my "skinny clothes" boxes (only to make the basement that much more chaotic). To my Surprise many of the clothes fit. It was a boost I needed! I still had 20lbs to go before I was pre- Cameron weight. But I was well on my way. The week following my skinny clothes fashion show for my family. I felt ill. My tummy was not right and my energy levels dropped to negative. Most of the time this is not good news, but in this case it was pretty exciting. I did want to share this news in a more exciting way but obviously I wasn't getting to it. CAMERON IS GOING TO BE A BIG BROTHER. I can't say it was completley unexpected because this is when we hoped to get pregnant again. But because of my history I didn't know what would happen and it happened without really trying. Before I go on and talk about my adventures in pregnancy. I have to give everyone else in the competition their due credit. I obviously dropped out. My Dad won (he beat me by a one 100th of a percentage). But the rest of my contenders did amazing and look amazing and I am proud of them all. Losing weight is hard work mentally and physically, it just goes to show what an amazing strong Family I have.

So....Last time it took nearly four years and a lot of heartache. It took fertility treatment and then 4 months of Bedrest. Other than that I had a really great pregnancy. And have an amazing (Crazy) 19 month old to show for it. This time, Well I already told you the first part, the next part, not so fun (I'm not complaining, because I know there are hundreds of women who would give anything to have what I have) But, It has been NO FUN. The wind has been taken out of my sails and I have spent most of the last three months on the couch, If I wasn't puking, I sure felt like I was going to. And my energy levels have been in the very deep negatives. So my poor but amazing Husband has picked up my slack and not only get's up at 2:30am for work and works on and off until 5p.m. He cleans my house and makes the meals and does bedtime with Cameron, even though he's rather do bedtime for himself. I married the most wonderful, amazing man in the world! Cameron and this new little one couldn't have a better Father. And my amazing Sister has had to go to the gym by herself.
I am now 14weeks. I still get Queasy, I still don't eat much, but I can get up and do things. I even cleaned a bit this week. It is all worth it though. We have the privilege of having a midwife and this week at our appointment we heard the heartbeat for the very first time. Our little miracle. Our gift from up above.

I am coming to learn. You'd think at almost 31 (I accidentally first wrote 21) I'd have figured this out. But Eve (in the Bible) was right. We must know the bitter to know the sweet. And time and time again it has rung true. And in this case the sweet is in my opinion, one of the most amazing miracles Heavenly Father could give us. LIFE.


Every Spring and Fall we are blessed and privileged to hear our Prophet Thomas S. Monson speak along with the Apostles and Other church leaders via satellite, we call it General Conference. . It never ceases to amaze me, how these men and Women of God know what I and many close to me need to hear. It's another Testimony to me that God knows each and every one of his children and knows what we need to hear in certain stages of our lives.


I love being able to go to church and to church events and come out feeling renewed and rejuvenated and ready to start anew. It's a good thing Church is weekly. Because I seem to fall quite often. And every week I am able to have my hope and Faith renewed.

This past weekend I volunteered for an event called "Time out for Women". My Mom, sister and sister in law joined in the event as well. It was exactly what I needed. The Speakers and musical guests were absolutely amazing. The strength and wisdom they have is very inspiring. Many of them, in fact most have had way worse trials and tribulations that far exceed mine. It doesn't make mine any less real or severe, but it does show me that if they can survive than I should be able to as well. We laughed, we cried. These Women each spoke to me, their words were exactly what I needed to hear. At the end of the weekend my heart was very full. I have goals, and I know what I need to do. I will confess, I'm scared. I compare myself to my past self and I know what I can be and do. And that holds me back. Because i try to jump the mountain instead of take on step at a time. Anyone who has tried that, knows it doesn't work and you just end up falling harder. So I'm not quite ready share my goals and the steps I'm going to take to reach those goals with you. But I am devising a plan. The number one goal I will share is. Taking it One step at a time. It's very overwhelming. I have been very self deprecating and it's going to take a lot of mental adjustment.

We got to talk to Matt, I guess I should say Elder Bolokoski, last night. They don't have phones and the Mission President didn't want them to use a pay phone on Sunday so we got to talk to him last night. It wasn't nearly long enough. We are very proud of him. His letters are so full of Joy for the Lord and his work. You can tell that he truly loves it out there. He was having difficulty talking because he has already started to think in Spanish. He's had a lot of success so far and is learning so much. It's been a real blessing having him out. His letters are inspiring and he helps me remember the things I ought to.



Easter. That was so fun. I love Easter anyways because of the message we celebrate. The Atonement of Jesus Christ. We celebrate that He Lives! Cameron now recognizes Jesus in pictures and every time he says "Jesus" it makes my heart swell. As does when we pray, he folds his arms and bows his head and finishes with the appropriate "Amen". If it weren't for our Saviour Jesus Christ we would all be lost and there would be no point to this life. But thanks to an all loving Heavenly Father, we have a way to be comforted in sickness and times of trial , and forgiven of our sins. In the book of Mormon is one of my Favourite Scriptures, That describes it best; Alma 7:11-13

11And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.

12And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.

13Now the Spirit knoweth all things; nevertheless the Son of God suffereth according to the flesh that he might take upon him the sins of his people, that he might blot out their transgressions according to the power of his deliverance; and now behold, this is the testimony which is in me


As for the festivities it was super fun to watch Cameron. We drove down to Lethbridge with Omi and Opa to Great Grandma's house and spent good Friday and Saturday there. Kim, Jordan and Joseph joined us. We made Gingerbread bunnies. I did that mostly myself. The kids enjoyed eating them. We then went to the park for the Egg hunt. Joseph know exactly what to do. Get as many eggs in your basket. He knew what was inside. Cameron was content finding an egg, and to open it right there to see the treasures it beheld. And each new egg was a whole new surprise.

That Evening we coloured eggs, Cameron absolutely loved every part of it. putting the egg in the dye, stirring the egg (quite vigorously I might add) and then pulling the egg out. He made quite the mess. The mess is so worth the fun. I love watching Cameron discover, explore and learn. I do have some really cute Easter pictures, but every time I try to load them my internet crashes, so hopefully soon there will be a post full of pictures.

That weekend we also got to visit Jill and Milo and new Baby Andy who by the way is so adorable! So little and so perfect. We miss you guys. We miss all of our baby group. It was so nice to visit and see how much our Boys have grown. It's sad we live so far away. It's so easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of every day life. Diapers and dishes and groceries and errands and there's this to do and there's that to do. Another thing I've learned is how important friends are and that good friends are hard to find. So when you find a "kindred spirit" do not let life get in the way. This is another area where I need to be better. I believe Jill is one of my kindred spirits along with a few others and I'm sad to say that yes I let the bustle get in the way. And I notice the difference when I don't take/make time for friends.

The last weekend in April we agreed to babysit for our Bishop and his wife. They have 4 kids. 12, 10 and twin 6 year olds. It was an interesting experience. Of course children behave better for others than they do their parents. Although I think families do differ in many ways, but in so many more ways are similar. The older kids obviously know better and have to tell the younger children what to do. The younger two in this case. Twin boy and girl are so super competitive that I didn't even know what to do. We took a trip to the Zoo on Saturday. As a side note I love taking Cameron to the Zoo. He is so cute around the animals, giggles and smiles and wide-eyed wonder. The butterfly enclosure has him marveling for as long as we let him stay in there. Anyways. The half hour trip in the SUV with the sibling, chat, banter and rivalry was enough for me to give a few moments of silence to my parents who took many car trips lasting a whole lot longer than half an hour. I surprised myself that weekend. In the past few months, while harbouring much negative self talk and not feeling so super, I have been feeling like a failure as a wife and homemaker and I have my proud Mommy moments, but even as a failure as a mom. This weekend I showed myself that I can do it. Not only did I take care of 5 kids. Which included making meals and bedtimes and field trips, zoo, soccer and birthday party. I was able to keep the house clean (I think very few children know how to pick up after themselves, hats off to the women who can keep their houses clean 24/7), make meals and do the few other things that needed to get done. My crowning moment was that with Michael at a meeting all morning I had all of us to church 20 minutes early.

I have not been sleeping well. Mostly because my brain keeps me up at night. I fall asleep almost instantly when I go to bed, it's the staying asleep that I have problems with. I lay there, Exhausted and increasingly frustrated as the minutes tick by on the clock, and I think. About anything and everything. What has happened. What's going to happen. Things I wish I had done differently. Things I still have to do. Our situations, good and bad. Michael. Cameron. Matt. Oh, who am I kidding all my family members, Michael's family. Goals, drams and wishes. My head is very full. Lists and lists and lists. I am hoping that with occasional random rambling my head will clear and this blog will serve as my pensieve.